North Korean Military Developing Parade Capable Of Traveling 5,000 Miles

The Onion

Drawing on satellite data and foreign intelligence reports, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that North Korea was in the late stages of developing a military parade with an operational range of 5,000 miles. “With its current capabilities, the DPRK could, at a moment’s notice, deploy a lavish parade to the Japanese mainland or Guam, potentially expanding the reach of its festivities to the West Coast of the United States by year’s end,” said Deputy Secretary of Defense Robert O. Work, who explained that the communist dictatorship had bolstered its arsenal of massive full-color Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung banners, and that its top choreographers were drilling soldiers on how to maneuver in dazzling synchronized formations for maximum visual effect.